Don’t let the perfect be the enemy of the good.
Voltaire
Before going further, let me acknowledge a huge positive aspect of the compulsive perfectionist’s attitude: great things have been accomplished by perfectionists and those with a compulsive desire to succeed! The maniacal pursuit of a goal with little or no consideration of other factors and consequences, along with an indominable will to succeed has produced many of the great discoveries, advances, and accomplishments we revere and appreciate so much. Some artists, musicians, scientists, athletes, and businessmen have this drive and have accounted for many incredible advances in our lives. Even on a personal basis, I would credit a good portion of what I achieved in life to the drive and determination that came along with my attempt to achieve perfection. You can even look at the poem “If” by Rudyard Kipling as an anthem for the grit and determination that the dive for perfection requires.
My desire for perfectionism began with the influence of my mother and father. I tried to get more comfort, love and affection from them, at home or in school, and I did this by trying to be a perfect son for them. Not giving them a reason to be disappointed in me resulted in praise, status, etc. in school, at work and in life in general. So it was reinforced. This caused me to get a bit out of control and I began an exercise regime to achieve some control in my life when I felt like I did not have any. I adopted some of these life goals: be successful in school and in my career, provide well for my family, uphold my end of the deal that I made with life which was to work hard, succeed, and then be able to enjoy the benefits thereof. I also wanted to do well, have a good sense of humor, be kind to others, etc. as a way of making friends as well as having help available if a high anxiety or panic attack struck and help was needed. I am not sure who came up with the idea that “you do less than you ought to do unless you do all that you’re capable of doing;” but you must admit that it is a catchy phrase, right? And so inspiring too! So is my dad’s favorite “If it is worth doing, it’s worth doing well!”
Always give 100% unless you’re donating blood.
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This desire for perfection is easiest to see in top athletes, coaches, or the Steve Jobs of the world, who drive themselves and those around them to achieve a goal. In his weekly articles in the New Orleans Times-Picayune, Mackie Shilstone, fitness consultant to many high profile professional athletes, frequently refers to their “drive, determination, preparation, commitment to excellence, unyielding drive to perfection, and perseverance.”
But of course, there is that tiny problem which I have been wrestling with for six or seven decades: the compulsive pursuit of perfection can screw up the rest of your life! It can kill you, drive you crazy, and/or create a stress level which is impossible to deal with. It will “inspire” you to do as much as you can but if you really follow this thinking literally, it is impossible to achieve. It definitely will “inspire” you to do as much as you can, but to what ultimate end? It doesn’t produce warmth, peace, relaxation, good relationships, or a generally happy life. At least that was my experience and my conclusion; and I have read a number of books that confirm this – both from a psychological as well as biological point of view.
I tend to be a very literal guy in many ways, so my ultimate conclusion is to take perfectionism with a large grain of salt, or realism, and that’s why I am a strong proponent of excellentism as opposed to perfectionism! Like everything else in life, the emphasis you put on the quality of your effort is a choice you make as to the life you want to lead. You could say there is a continuum between lackadaisical living on the left to balance (excellence) in the middle to perfectionism on the right end. It is up to you to decide where to set the button on the sliding control (think of the adjustments on a sound board with all those sliding controls). There isn’t any preordained perfect setting – it is up to you; and you make the decision for yourself. You do this consciously or unconsciously, but it behooves you to know the tradeoffs!
While I am speaking about perfectionism, but the very same things can be said about the excessive need to control or having unhealthy compulsions. When you think about it, those terms are just forms of perfectionism from a layman’s point of view. This is an important point, but for the sake of brevity (of which I am rarely accused!) I have lumped them together with perfectionism.
If you need things to be perfect, you are going to want to control them. Maybe you think you have to do everything because no one else will do it “right” or do it “your way….” Delegation is not likely to be your strong suit. Also, you are going to want to control the environment to try to keep it all together. It seems to me that sooner or later this is going to negatively impact your inter-personal relationships and other important aspects of life. And when you try to control everything, you enjoy nothing. Instead, your goal might be to relax, breathe a little, let go, and just live. Slide that adjustment button more towards “balanced.”
My point here is to stand down, relaxing from perfectionism to excellentism. A full-fledged perfectionist may resist this at first due to being uncomfortable with anything other than perfection as a goal, and the worry that any slight relaxing will just be the first step on the slippery slope leading to degradation or being only average. But not so. There is little if any chance that a one-time perfectionist will become a slouch. It almost can’t happen. If you buy into the theory that there are two kinds of people, racehorses and turtles (each perfect in their own way), even if the one-time racehorse learns to relax at times, he will still be a racehorse, just one that is happier, more productive, smells the flowers more often and one which may well probably win more races overall and in the long run. Granted if you try to make a race horse out of a turtle, you will kill it; and if you try to make a turtle out of a race horse, the same outcome may occur. But I am not talking about such a drastic transformation, just an adjustment.
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